Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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