Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
