I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.