a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
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I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
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There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.