i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We left the knife in your bed.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.