nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...