"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
