STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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