No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
