yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
