I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
