I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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