My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
