i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
