I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
