he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
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The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
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Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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