I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
