i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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