Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
