So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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