The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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