alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
