You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
