I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
