Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think your dad took our porno
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
