I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
