I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
