Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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