so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
