The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You dont lie about slip and slides
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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