i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
