we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
