we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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