Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
