Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
