My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
