It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
