my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
