Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
