Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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