and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
