i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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