Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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