this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
