She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
