Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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