Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
