u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
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