We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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