6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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