sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
