im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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