The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
