theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
it was like eating out sand paper
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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