sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
