I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
