in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
